My silly girls: Lucy, left, Alice, right

Hands up for the long weekend — woot!

Hands up for fear of being with your kids for three whole days — eek!

I’m sometimes afraid to admit such a thing, but have met enough parents in the past almost five years to know it’s a little secret we feel guilty talking about. You know — loving our children to death, but also reaching that limit.

A few days ago I came across Aletha Solter’s 20 alternatives to punishment. And I immediately printed off a half dozen copies and posted them around the house. I fully admit I fall into the YELLS A LOT category of parenting, but these have totally reduced the number of times I’ve lost my shit on Lucy and Alice. (#13 especially applies to Alice, I’ve come to realize, and has had incredible results. #16 works fantastic for Lucy.)

Hope they help you as much as they’ve helped us. Have a great long weekend and see you Tuesday!

1. LOOK FOR UNDERLYING NEEDS. Ex: Give your child something to play with while waiting in line.

2. GIVE INFORMATION AND REASONS. Ex: If your child colors on the wall, explain why we color on paper only.

3. LOOK FOR UNDERLYING FEELINGS. Acknowledge, accept, and listen to feelings. Ex: If your child hits his baby sister,
encourage him to express his anger and jealousy in harmless ways. He may need to cry or rage.

4. CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT. This is sometimes easier than trying to change the child. Ex: If your child repeatedly takes
things out of the kitchen cupboards, put a childproof lock on them.

5. FIND ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATIVES. Redirect your child’s behavior. Ex: If you do not want your child to build a fort in the
dining room, don’t just say no. Tell her where she can build one.

6. DEMONSTRATE HOW YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO BEHAVE. Ex: If your child pulls a cat’s tail, show her how to pet a
cat. Do not rely on words alone.

7. GIVE CHOICES RATHER THAN COMMANDS. Decision-making empowers children; commands invite a power struggle.
Ex: “Would you like to brush your teeth before or after putting your pajamas on?”

8. MAKE SMALL CONCESSIONS. Ex: “I’ll let you skip brushing your teeth tonight because you are so tired.”

9. PROVIDE FOR A PERIOD OF PREPARATION. Ex: If you are counting on company for dinner, tell your child how you
expect him to behave. Be specific. Role-playing can help prepare children for potentially difficult situations.

10. LET NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OCCUR (when appropriate). Don’t rescue too much. Ex: A child who does not hang
up her bathing suit and towel may find them still wet the next day. (But don’t create artificial consequences.)

11. COMMUNICATE YOUR OWN FEELINGS. Let children know how their behavior affects you. Ex: “I get so tired of cleaning
up these crumbs in the living room.”

12. USE ACTIONS WHEN NECESSARY. Ex: If your child insists on running across streets on your walks together, hold his
hand tightly (while explaining the dangers).

13. HOLD YOUR CHILD. Children who are acting aggressively or obnoxiously can benefit from holding, in a loving and
supportive way, which allows them to channel their pent-up feelings into healing tears.

14. REMOVE YOUR CHILD FROM THE SITUATION, AND STAY WITH HER. Use the time for listening, sharing feelings,
holding, and conflict-resolution.

15. DO IT TOGETHER, BE PLAYFUL. Many conflict situations can be turned into games. Ex: “Let’s pretend we’re the seven
dwarfs while we clean up,” “Let’s take turns brushing each other’s teeth.”

16. DEFUSE THE SITUATION WITH LAUGHTER. Ex: If your child is mad at you, invite him to have a playful pillow fight with
you. Play your part by surrendering dramatically. Laughter helps resolve anger & feelings of powerlessness.

17. MAKE A DEAL, NEGOTIATE. Ex: If you are ready to leave the playground and your child is having fun, reach an
agreement on the number of times she may go down the slide before leaving.

18. DO MUTUAL CONFLICT-RESOLUTION. Discuss ongoing conflicts with your children, state your own needs, and ask for
their help in finding solutions. Determine rules together. Hold family meetings.

19. REVISE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Young children have intense feelings and needs, and are naturally loud, curious,
messy, willful, impatient, demanding, forgetful, self-centered, and full of energy. Try to accept them as they are.

20. TAKE A PARENTAL TIME-OUT. Leave the room and do whatever is needed to regain your sense of composure and
good judgment. Ex: call a friend, cry, meditate, or take a shower.
___________________________________

Aletha Solter, PhD, is a developmental psychologist, international speaker, consultant, and founder of the Aware Parenting Institute (www.awareparenting.com). Her four books, The Aware Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish, Tears and Tantrums, and Raising Drug-Free Kids have been translated into many languages, and she is recognized internationally as an expert on attachment, trauma, non-punitive discipline, and developmentally appropriate education.

Copyright © 1996 by Aletha Solter.Reprinted with permission from The Aware Parenting Institute web site. All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical (including copying to other web sites, and including translations), without written permission from Aletha Solter.

The best part of my weekend was the smallest sliver of time.

Alice stood at the bottom of our stairs in the hallway.

“Uceeeeeeeee? Ucee? UcEEEEEEEEEEE?!”

Even though I know in the years to come the tone of that call will be mired with anger as my daughters fight, hearing Alice call her sister for the very first time has to be one of the best parenting moments of the past 4.5years. I shed a few happy tears while grinning like a fool as we threaded chicken and veggies on skewers for dinner last night.

One anticipates such milestones, but witnessing them is pretty damn awesome.

Alice just started saying Lucy’s name about a week ago, which was surprising: the sun rises and sets on her big sister, and “Lucy” was the last important family name Alice learned. She says Mumma, Dada, Nana, Papa (always whispered for some strange and adorable reason only known to her), Gumie (Gramie, Eric’s Mom), Seesah (Lisa, our daycare provider), Carker (Parker, baby at daycare). She’s working on Spencer, but knows exactly who and where he is when you ask. Her word for any kind of dog is “uff-uff.”

We actually saw a ton of real interaction between the girls this weekend. I introduced Lucy to playing Beauty Shop (putting every single clip she owns in my hair, and coating my lips in pink balm). She and Alice spent a good half hour upstairs on their own, with Alice appearing at the top of the stairs with a rainbow ring of plastic and metal adorning her thin baby hair. Both of them were just beaming at the efforts — Lucy because of her design, Alice at the attention.

Can’t wait to see what’s next. Remind me of this when they’ve conspired to sneak out of the house in 10 years, ok?

Months ago, Eric’s baby book fell off a bookshelf on my head, and the page with the above photo lay open. I gasped: Alice from 34 years ago was looking up at me. Since then, I’ve showed countless friends and family this image, and they’re equally astounded by how much our youngest looks like her dad.

When my eldest daughter is nervous, she puts her fingers in her mouth.

Although Lucy is only 4.5-years-old, you can trace these moments back in the thousands of digital photos that fill our computer’s hard drive: when people are singing to her on her second birthday. Her first day of preschool camp at Elgin Park last summer. When meeting her baby sister for the first time in late 2008.

So it came as no surprise that when when Lucy’s daycare teacher emailed photos of a little graduation her class had — of kids moving up from the preschool room to the junior kindergarten room — Lucy had two fingers held up near the corner of her mouth in the group shot, along with a beaming smile.

That may as well be me, too. Tremendous excitement mired with trepidation and a bit of sadness as September approaches.

I’m not nervous about Lucy starting JK in September. She will transition from a daycare centre to the classroom, and is well prepared for the routine of school. She can write almost all her letters, and spell some words. Lucy loves books, and must create something every day — be it a drawing of our family or a fairy castle with sticks and jewels. She is outgoing, friendly, and makes friends easily.

Lucy’s daycare teachers call her a kind soul. She is caring and empathetic beyond her years. Recently, a new girl started at daycare, and refused to talk to any of the teachers, but would whisper her needs to my daughter. At night, Lucy lines all her dolls up in a row beside her in bed, covering them with a blanket and kissing them goodnight.

She is intuitive and perceptive to people’s feelings. Last week we watched the Disney movie The Fox and the Hound for the first time. When Big Mama left Tod in the forest, Lucy suddenly burst into tears, overcome with emotion.

It’s with this in mind that my mama bear worry comes to the surface. I’ve friends with kids in kindergarten, and am horrified by the stories of bullying at such a young age. One kid — not even 5 — asked my friends’ son where he lived so he could come over after school and beat him up. How does a child that little even form a thought like that?

We talk a lot about right and wrong, about nice and mean, about hurting people’s feelings and what makes us feel good and proud. I hope this gives her the tools to fend off any not-so-nice characters she encounters at any stage in her life.

More than anything, all of us are excited for what the fall will bring. We purposely kept both girls out of organized activities this summer so we can enjoy these last weeks of carefree living. We slurp popsicles in the backyard, take lazy walks to the park and stay in our pajamas until noon when we can.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned so far as a parent, it’s that life with kids is never constant. And so we grasp on to these fleeting moments of summer before school changes life again.