20 alternatives to punishment (AKA: How to survive the long weekend)
30th July 2010
My silly girls: Lucy, left, Alice, right
Hands up for the long weekend — woot!
Hands up for fear of being with your kids for three whole days — eek!
I’m sometimes afraid to admit such a thing, but have met enough parents in the past almost five years to know it’s a little secret we feel guilty talking about. You know — loving our children to death, but also reaching that limit.
A few days ago I came across Aletha Solter’s 20 alternatives to punishment. And I immediately printed off a half dozen copies and posted them around the house. I fully admit I fall into the YELLS A LOT category of parenting, but these have totally reduced the number of times I’ve lost my shit on Lucy and Alice. (#13 especially applies to Alice, I’ve come to realize, and has had incredible results. #16 works fantastic for Lucy.)
Hope they help you as much as they’ve helped us. Have a great long weekend and see you Tuesday!
1. LOOK FOR UNDERLYING NEEDS. Ex: Give your child something to play with while waiting in line.
2. GIVE INFORMATION AND REASONS. Ex: If your child colors on the wall, explain why we color on paper only.
3. LOOK FOR UNDERLYING FEELINGS. Acknowledge, accept, and listen to feelings. Ex: If your child hits his baby sister,
encourage him to express his anger and jealousy in harmless ways. He may need to cry or rage.
4. CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT. This is sometimes easier than trying to change the child. Ex: If your child repeatedly takes
things out of the kitchen cupboards, put a childproof lock on them.
5. FIND ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATIVES. Redirect your child’s behavior. Ex: If you do not want your child to build a fort in the
dining room, don’t just say no. Tell her where she can build one.
6. DEMONSTRATE HOW YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO BEHAVE. Ex: If your child pulls a cat’s tail, show her how to pet a
cat. Do not rely on words alone.
7. GIVE CHOICES RATHER THAN COMMANDS. Decision-making empowers children; commands invite a power struggle.
Ex: “Would you like to brush your teeth before or after putting your pajamas on?”
8. MAKE SMALL CONCESSIONS. Ex: “I’ll let you skip brushing your teeth tonight because you are so tired.”
9. PROVIDE FOR A PERIOD OF PREPARATION. Ex: If you are counting on company for dinner, tell your child how you
expect him to behave. Be specific. Role-playing can help prepare children for potentially difficult situations.
10. LET NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OCCUR (when appropriate). Don’t rescue too much. Ex: A child who does not hang
up her bathing suit and towel may find them still wet the next day. (But don’t create artificial consequences.)
11. COMMUNICATE YOUR OWN FEELINGS. Let children know how their behavior affects you. Ex: “I get so tired of cleaning
up these crumbs in the living room.”
12. USE ACTIONS WHEN NECESSARY. Ex: If your child insists on running across streets on your walks together, hold his
hand tightly (while explaining the dangers).
13. HOLD YOUR CHILD. Children who are acting aggressively or obnoxiously can benefit from holding, in a loving and
supportive way, which allows them to channel their pent-up feelings into healing tears.
14. REMOVE YOUR CHILD FROM THE SITUATION, AND STAY WITH HER. Use the time for listening, sharing feelings,
holding, and conflict-resolution.
15. DO IT TOGETHER, BE PLAYFUL. Many conflict situations can be turned into games. Ex: “Let’s pretend we’re the seven
dwarfs while we clean up,” “Let’s take turns brushing each other’s teeth.”
16. DEFUSE THE SITUATION WITH LAUGHTER. Ex: If your child is mad at you, invite him to have a playful pillow fight with
you. Play your part by surrendering dramatically. Laughter helps resolve anger & feelings of powerlessness.
17. MAKE A DEAL, NEGOTIATE. Ex: If you are ready to leave the playground and your child is having fun, reach an
agreement on the number of times she may go down the slide before leaving.
18. DO MUTUAL CONFLICT-RESOLUTION. Discuss ongoing conflicts with your children, state your own needs, and ask for
their help in finding solutions. Determine rules together. Hold family meetings.
19. REVISE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Young children have intense feelings and needs, and are naturally loud, curious,
messy, willful, impatient, demanding, forgetful, self-centered, and full of energy. Try to accept them as they are.
20. TAKE A PARENTAL TIME-OUT. Leave the room and do whatever is needed to regain your sense of composure and
good judgment. Ex: call a friend, cry, meditate, or take a shower.
___________________________________
Aletha Solter, PhD, is a developmental psychologist, international speaker, consultant, and founder of the Aware Parenting Institute (www.awareparenting.com). Her four books, The Aware Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish, Tears and Tantrums, and Raising Drug-Free Kids have been translated into many languages, and she is recognized internationally as an expert on attachment, trauma, non-punitive discipline, and developmentally appropriate education.
Copyright © 1996 by Aletha Solter.Reprinted with permission from The Aware Parenting Institute web site. All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical (including copying to other web sites, and including translations), without written permission from Aletha Solter.
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Thanks Carly! Good timing on this one. I am at home with the kids 24-7, and at my limit at one point or another most days. Even though Eric only goes to school 2 (and occasionally 3) days a week, I am really missing and counting the days until school starts again. I am especially tired of fighting the TV battle. As soon as we come in from outside, finish a meal or activity, he wants to turn on the TV. It’s hard for me to fight it when I need to be in the other room preparing a meal, putting away groceries or tidying things up, but I refuse to let them watch TV all day everyday. They get to watch for a bit when they get up, a bit before bed, and Eric usually watches in the afternoon while Andrew is napping. The thing is, when he is done with his “but I really wanna watch TV now” fit, he can usually find something to do. God knows he has 1.2 billion toys, games and books! But why does it have to be so hard?!!
Thank-you X 1000 Carly!!! This is amazing!
Great ideas, thanks for posting Carly!