Dealing with death
28th July 2009
Seeing as we are honouring grandparents in this week’s Photo Friday contest, I thought Yvette’s email would be a fitting post today:
We just lost my husband’s mom due to lung cancer after a long battle (over 2 years). So my kids — 22 months and 4 — were always around Oma until the end.
As you can imagine it has been a very emotional time for all of us and I know kids sense this. She was an amazing mother , mother-in-law and Oma to all her kids and grandkids. She is missed deeply!
My worry is my 4-year-old daughter. She cries every night that she misses her Oma and she wants her Daddy to have his mommy back, and it seems to get worse. She wakes up at night and cries. It breaks my heart and I talk to her and tell her that’s it is okay to be sad and we all miss her and that we have all the great memories of Oma and she will stay alive in our hearts.
When she talks to my neigbouhr or the person at the grocery store, she repeats what we have been talking about: “Oma is dead now and she does not have pain anymore, she is feeling better and she is at another place now where we can’t go and see her but she can see us.”
I write you today because I really struggle with this part of being a parent. I never had to deal with death until my twenties, and death at any age is hard to understand, let alone being FOUR.
So I wonder if anybody has had any experience with this? Are there any books or websites or any other advice to help me to make this easier for my little girl and boy?
Possibly related posts:
Yvette,
First off – I am really sorry to hear about your Mother In Law. Death is such a hard thing to go through and even harder to deal with your emotions, as well as husbands and kids. It’s also the hardest thing to explain to kids, especially the ages of your kids.
My mom passed away suddenly when I was pregnant with my now 4 year old, so we have experienced the death of a grandparent a different way. IE. The nanna that they never got to meet.
Here I have learnt along my journey
* Grieve – One of the first things my doctor said to me when I went to visit her the day after my mom died suddenly was to grieve. She said laugh when you want to, cry when you want to, I assume this would go for kids as well. Don’t supress your feelings or theirs. It’s ok to talk and feel about it.
* Get Help if You or Kids Need it – Talking to a professional could help. If you are in Uxbridge the Family Health Clinic has a counselor there that specializes in kids – maybe that would be helpful
* I do have a list of books – Carly has my email so if you would like you can get it from her
* Check out this http://www.bereavedfamilies.net/ – could be helpful
Take Care,
Kirsty
Yvette
We are currently going through something similar in our household. This is our second round of 4 year old grieving and some days it isn’t easy.
We went through this right after Christmas when our family pet died. I know it isn’t the same degree to an adult but for a 4 yr old who is experiencing death for the 1st time it is hard to comprehend. Just yesterday she started talking about how much she missed Tyra, and wanted us to reassure her that she was happy and Opa was looking after her.
Intially we talked to our pediatrician and was told that the concept of death isn’t fully understood until the Age of 7. We went through a period of fear that other people would go away, and some weeks of interupted sleep.
We just got back this week from the funeral of one of our very close family members so this is her 2nd experience with death this year. She is back to needing reassurance and interupted sleep — I am hoping this will lessen in a couple of weeks.
Yvette,
Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your mother in law. She sounds like a terrific person who will be missed a lot. I have lost my best friend to breast cancer after a five year long battle. She leaves behind two children who are 19 & 23 and then although they are not young like yours they too are struggling at night. I would try the cancer society to see if they have counselling available. The people in the pallative care unit at Credit Valley Hospital were just awesome during the three days that she was there and when she died said help would be a phone call away if anyone needed it. Perhaps there is a similar program where your mother in law was. Take care and best of luck with your daughter. I wish you all well.
This is an incredibly sad post
Bummer blog!
I don’t have any advice other than to give lots of love as usual.
Yvette,
My condolences on the loss of your mother in law. We lost my father in law to lymphoma at age 52 last year 10 days before our daughter’s 1st birthday.
I’m a Funeral Director, however I haven’t been working as one since having our daughter. I used to work with a man name John Saynor who is a grief counsellor and runs Genesis Bereavement. Here’s a link to a some info, not sure how helpful it might be http://www.generations.on.ca/grief-cake.htm
I used to work in Cobourg, at MacCoubrey Funeral Home which is downtown. They have colouring books dealing with death, if you were in the area just pop in the front and ask for one, or a couple. They also have a few other pamphlets on children and dealing with death.
You’re doing the best you can, letting her explain what’s wrong, crying, and telling her it’s ok. It’s a big adjustment for everyone and will take time. Remember it’s ok to get help, for you as adults, and children. Most funeral homes have a grief counsellor on staff, it might be a good idea to meet with him/her to discuss what you might be able to do.
Something my parents did when we were younger and lost a grandparent was tell us that the brightest star in the sky was Grandma or in your case Oma. For us it gave us comfort that although we couldn’t see them anymore, at night when we looked up it was like a connection to them. Not everyone will agree with that, but it worked for us growing up