Safe.
22nd February 2009
Friday afternoon I had to pick up the phone and make two of the hardest calls in my life.
The first to Eric to tell him I couldn’t take it anymore. And not like a funny, Twisted Sister kinda way, but in a “I need help. It’s dangerous.” kinda way.
The second to my Mom, on Eric’s orders, to come to the house immediately because I thought I was going to hurt Alice.
I’d pulled her too hard out of her bouncy chair. Then, for the briefest of seconds, held my hand over her mouth.
It was time to get help.
We know there must be something wrong with her. The green, liquidy poops have remained for over a week, accompanied by uncharacteristic crying and whining, buckets of drool and hand gnawing. No fever. Eating normal. Sleeping well. Many periods of happiness and smiles and glee, but way more cranky than usual.
But is it a virus? Allergy to something I’m eating? Teething? Too much saliva?
What parents everywhere wouldn’t give for a baby that could speak. Words, that is, and not crying that burrows under your skin and makes your veins vibrate.
Knowing something is probably hurting her should help with handling things, right? And it does. At the beginning of the day. But hours later, with a toddler in tow, when the pleading, “Tell me what’s wrong! Tell me what you want!” doesn’t result in answers, and she’s fed, clean and won’t sleep and still upset? It’s hard to remember.
We go to the doctor’s on Tuesday. To have us both looked at.
Eric says I should not be ashamed, that it is the smart and safe person to recognize her breaking point and ask for help. The first thing my Mom said when she walked through the door was, “You should be proud for making that call.”
(Then I cried, dropped the baby in her arms, made a tea and shoveled the driveway. And felt immediately better.)
I’m just so…horrified. I feel like something is wrong with me for losing it like that. This week has dissolved the bond I had with Alice, and that scares me. My patience and tolerance is paper thin, and I start to shake from the inside out.
What makes it all worse is Lucy. I have not been able to be a proper parent to her during all this, delaying playing and making promises I can’t keep. I’ve yelled at her unnessecarily. She’s asked for cuddles at night when I put her to bed, and I just can’t because Alice is screaming to be fed, or I’m just completely touched out. Today we had her friends over for her birthday party, and Alice refused to sleep and cried through almost all of it (Eric was out of town). Lucy says she had a great time, but it didn’t go at all how I wanted it to, and I feel like I missed it all.
Tomorrow Lucy is in daycare, and I am spending the day completely focused on Alice and I. We need to reconnect and rebond, because feeling so dead and dark inside is not healthy for anyone.
And I miss Alice. And Lucy. And myself. Terribly.
I miss me, too.
To Eric and my Mom: Thank you for saving us.
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Yes, it’s a hard call to make and a scary one. I too have had to make that call. It will get better, and things will go back.
Your mom was right. You should be proud.
Thanks for sharing.
Mothers are human…we have breaking points. Often we think that if we really love our children we should be able to handle everything that happens with them, and keep smiles on our faces while we do it. But that’s just not a reasonable expectation to place on ourselves.
It is such a huge thing to be able to recognize when we’re near the breaking point, step back from the situation and ask for help. You totally did the right thing. And your bond with Alice will come back stronger than it ever was.
Take care.
Thank you Human Carly for sharing
You are very fortunate to have the support you do within your family.
Carly, you are not alone. Countless other parents have found themselves in similar situations You are to be commended for realizing what you were feeling and doing wasn’t right and for reaching out for help. You’ve got your families supporting you and those of us who read your blogs thinking of you. Good luck.
You are really brave to share what I think a lot of us have been through. And well done for asking for help. That’s probably the hardest part.
Seriously, this two little kid thing, it’s so damn hard. I hope you have a better week.
Carly, thank you for sharing this. Really. I made the same call to Josh a couple of months ago when Kylah was sick, not eating, not wanting to pee, not wanting to do anything… for almost 3 weeks. She just was not herself. She was incredibly pouty and grumpy and sad. I was honestly so tired from her constant whining and I myself too yelled and pulled her in a not so great way. I even said to her face “stop it, or I might hurt you.” Ya, not my proudest moment… that’s for sure. Actually, it was pretty scary. I hated the way I was… the monster I felt like I was. I called Josh right away and said I was scared of myself and what I could do. He told me to just put Kylah in her room, shut her door and go grab a coffee. I did just that. He immediately left work to come relieve me.
Right when he got home, I got in the car, went through the Tim Hortons drive thru for a coffee and bagel, went to the furthest spot in the Zehrs parking lot and just ate and drank my coffee in silence. After even just 20 minutes of alone time, I felt so much better. Then I went grocery shopping in peace.
Isn’t it awesome to have those support people in our lives who will drop anything and come to help? I can’t imagine not having anyone… like many moms. No wonder horrible things happen.
Oh Carly…my heart breaks for you. I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and give you a big bear hug.
Motherhood is tough sometimes. It’s the hardest job out there and it comes with amazingly wonderful happy times and gosh darn awful bad times. It’s a job that gives us a deep sense of pride when all is going well and drowns us in a huge bucket of shame when it’s not. Thankfully it goes well more than not.
I’ve been where you were. I really don’t know of too many moms who haven’t. I eye the ones that say it’s never happened to them with great suspicion that they aren’t being honest or with sympathy because their time just hasn’t come yet. We all have a breaking point.
For most of us it comes when we are struggling to understand what is wrong with our babies who are crying, crying, crying. When nothing we do seems to help and oftentimes seems to exacerbate the situation. When we’re tired and feeling incapable.
You did the right thing in making that phone call to Eric and he did the right thing in encouraging you to call your mom. NO shame there. None. at. all. Not for a minute should you feel guilty for any of it.
The shame would be if you had not made the call and somehow made it through that moment. Because the next moment could’ve been the one where you really lost it.
You’re a wonderful mom, Carly. Even wonderful moms have their moments. You handled yours the right way.
{{{{{Carly}}}}}
Thank you for being brave enough to post this and admit to the feelings we all have had at one time or another. And good for you for making the call – you’re lucky to have a support network that lives so near.
You haven’t lost the bond – don’t worry about that. It’s just tough to see the forest for the trees right now.
I hope you get some happy (peaceful) moments today with Alice.
Carly
Thank you for writing about this. Like everyone has said we have all been there.We think we are supermom’s but unfortunately we are not. We all reach our breaking point. Give yourself a pat on the back for making that call. It takes a strong person to realize that they need help. You did the right thing. There is no harm in asking for help that is what family and friends are for. You are working on becoming a better parent there is nothing wrong with that you know you have a problem and you are working on fixing it. Be honest with your doctor don’t worry about being judged you are only human. You will find you again. Hang in there
Oh Carly. Sounds like you’re fighting a bit of Post Partum as well. That’s characterized by the feeling of possibly hurting your baby.
It’s very common, especially for the second. You are a very smart woman. You did the right thing by asking for help. Luckily as many have mentioned above, you have the support network you need.
There have been times too when I have been so angry at one or the other of my two that I’ve had to walk away from them to ensure that I didn’t harm them. When they’re older and can push your buttons it’s almost as hard as when they can’t speak and tell you what hurts.
You are very smart in seeking help from your doctor. s/he will put you on the right path. Some women need anti-depressants, some don’t. If s/he thinks you’re a candidate for medication…take it. Don’t be proud. Usally it’s a short term thing anyway.
Accept help from your friends and family if you can. You’re not superwoman and no one expects you to be.
Get out with the girls on Wednesday if you can.
This too shall pass. Chin up. If I can help in anyway, let me know.
Hey Carly,
I’ve been there too. You are lucky to have your Mom close by. I mean really lucky. My Mom is 3 hours away, and she works odd hours so I’m lucky to even talk to her once or twice a week. But I always feel so much better after I talk to her.
I didn’t realise until I was reading all the comments that everyone else has had moments like this too. I’ve also felt the bond between Andrew and I disappear, but it does come back. And I’ve also been not a good Mom to Eric because I was tired and frustrated with Andrew, but kids are wonderful and they don’t hold it against you.
Hang in there. Not that I hope Alice is sick, but hopefully the Doctor has something to make her feel better.
I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. God-damn winter.
1. You are brave for posting this, and sharing so much on your blog. You’re a great writer.
2. It was unsettling when you referred to your children as little jerks recently.
3. I have had moments of frustration where I too have thought for a second of being violent. .but fortunately those have past quickly.
4. You are really lucky to have supportive family and friends.
Carly, you are an inspiration. Real and raw and complicated rather than a sanctimonious, holier than thou perfect alpha mum. I think you’re great.
Thanks so much for posting this! I have been so frustrated lately with my two, one 21 months and one 6 weeks old, it’s good to know other moms feel the same sometimes, reading this totally made me feel not so alone!!
Carly
Thank you so much for writing this – your timing is spooky.
I recently admitted to my husband (and myself) that I need help.
It took me a while to realise just how out of control I was becoming.
I have a 2 1/2 year old boy and a 6 month old but for the last two months I have found myself becoming irrationally short tempered with my son. I have shouted, no! SCREAMED at him for the most ridiculous reasons (like not putting his leg in the right pant leg…hellooooooo??????) On one occasion I even threw him onto his bed for a time out! Threw him! I still cannot believe I did that.
I kept telling myself that it couldn’t be post partum because my baby was 6 months old but it can be! Post Partum can be baby blues or downright depression and can strike at any time..even up to 6 months.
I am so glad you talked about it and you should be proud of “coming out”
If it makes you feel better – you just gave me the big cry that I needed and it means so much to know that I am not a terrible mother (and a luatic to boot) but just another Mum trying to figure this whole thing out.
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