Surviving two
12th December 2008
I am writing this unedited, just letting it pour out, because it’s been bottled for so long and this is how it needs to get out and be shared and, finally, faced.
Whenever people email or call lately, one of the first questions is: How’s life with the second?
From Katherine: It looks like you’re handling the mom of two transition with grace. Well done!
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Some days, I am shocked and embarrassed by my lack of patience, by my lack of tolerance. I am saddened by how I yell at Lucy. I am awestruck by what sets me off.
Lucy, jumping while I try to brush her teeth, refusing to put her boots on herself when I know she can, because she does it at Julia’s every day, because most days she begs to do it herself. Getting two out the door by myself, me always at the end because that’s how it always is, right? Plus, what’s the point when I’m just going to get hot and sweaty stuffing them in their cold gear (I. hate. winter.). Alice, pooping during a middle of the night feed, causing me to wind upstairs for a diaper change, her to wide-awake, then start all over again. Spencer, the Needy Dog, always trying to get on me when nursing or one of the rare moments I get to sit without someone on me oh I am so touched out. Eric, home at 6:20 p.m. instead of 6: 05, turning me into not only an anxious, worrying clock watcher, but an angry, resentful woman because oh come on, please get home so you can get them off me for just a second. Time, for being so fleeting and quick and full of everyone else’s needs but my own. I resent it more than anyone or anything, for never being enough.
Me. For all of that.
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Lucy has adapted amazingly to her sister and our new life. She’s not angry. She doesn’t act out. Sometimes she doesn’t listen as well as we and she knows possible, but that’s alright. At least she’s not, I dunno, hitting things or us.
She plays with her toys or reads books or watches TV (you were right about TV. Thanks for giving me permission and releasing the guilt around that) when I nurse Alice. “She hungry, Mum-Mum? You gonna feed her Mama Milk?”
She pats Alice’s head. “That the soft spot, Mama? Can I rub it?” She asks to hold her, and they perch, awkwardly, on the couch, Alice sideways in Lucy’s arms, wide-eyed and alert and totally in love.
“Are you happy, Mum-Mum? Are you tired? I love you, too.”
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This morning I left them upstairs: Lucy defiantly throwing her boots and coat and hat, snow flying across the front entrance, and Alice crying in her carseat.
I just wanted to get Eric some toothpaste for his stocking, his Mom some bubble bath. But at the drug store Alice started wailing and Lucy grabbed and grabbed and grabbed everything despite angry barks of please don’t touch anything. I abandoned some on sale hair dye on the photo counter and left.
I crept to the darkness of the basement, and cried for two minutes. I counted to 120 then stood up and rocked my shoulders back and forth and went back into the light of upstairs.
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My heart aches. Each day it stretches to encompass not just Alice, but moments and memories created by the two of them. Lucy piling monkeys on Alice in her bouncy chair. Alice’s eyes, when she hears her big sister’s voice, expanding so huge you can see white all the way around.
When we put Lucy to bed, we do a Family Spin: Usually the three of us hold hands and twirl in a circle while I sing this silly made-up song (Spinning, spinning, it’s our Family Spin. First we spin this way…now we spin this way. Lucy loves her Family Spin, she loves her family. Now it’s time to say goodnight: Night-night, Lucy!). Last night Eric had Alice in his arms and I held her tiny fingers, linking her to us.
Two grew to three, and now four. A chain, linked, spinning, complete.
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Grace it is not.
Is motherhood ever graceful? Is it ever pretty? It’s difficult and challenging and stressful and mixed in between are moments that must be seared to the brain and used as energy to keep on going.
I think my expectations are too high: Of available time, of tasks that can be completed right now. I’m afraid of getting caught up in what I don’t have and forgetting and not cherishing what I do have.
Daughters. Daughters. Beautiful and exasperating and adorable and tiring. My own.
Love.
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Carly, great post. That is EXACTLY what it is like, the good bits and the not-so-good bits. You’re not alone – I’m finding it just as tough, and just as rewarding, having a toddler and a new baby.
I nearly died of tiredness and frustration until I hired a babysitter for 4:30 to 6:30 every day. Hubs comes home at 8 sometimes or 10pm, and the, the nerve, he says I didn’t know you needed me home. The babysitter saves him from being chopped up and put into our freezer.
I totally know what you mean. I would never put it on my blog becuase too many workmates read it, but it is really really trying having 2 this age. But it really is getting better. All my friends and neighbors who said they’d help, don’t, and mostly duck my calls. Two people brought us food in 3 months, so I hired a meal service for a little while. Trying to save my sanity. Hang in there.
It’s hard for me to read this, because I was where you are a year ago, and it’s still so raw.
I can’t say it’s going to get better, because I feel like I never really got my head around it. I was never good at it. I was so fried, often angry and resentful.
My peace has come from being back at work. I am in utter awe of anyone who can be at home and do what you do, what so many do. I simply am no good at it.
Wow. I am right there with you all, I am a SAHM with a 2 year old and 5 month old and it is WAY harder than I ever thought it would be. Thank you for this post and making me feel like I am not alone.
I’m suffering a lot with just one and the thought of two. . .my sympathies. I know there must be very good moments, like in that adorable photo of Lucy piling the monkeys around Alice, but it is also so difficult day in and day out. . I really, firmly believe now this is why in-laws used to routinely live with their children, or even how tribes used to raise children all together — there is a reason! It must have been so much easier! More complex, perhaps, but I think much more sane. I wish so much I had people around to help, or at least the money to be able to hire some help. If you can get more help, I suggest you get it
Until then, I’m wishing you the best and know you’ll make it through, good times and tough 
Boy I know how you feel. You’re not alone, Carly – we’ve been through it too. Yes it’s hard, it’s way harder than anyone can prepare you for – doesn’t the madness of now make you yearn sometimes for the relative quietness of then?
I remember crying because my husband wasn’t home when I desperately needed a break (shift work). Some of those very long nights I’d call him at work and just sob on the phone. There was nothing he could do, but I just needed his voice.
All those times, how dare he, try to have some time to himself when he must know how tired I was from looking after a colicy baby and an energetic three year old. How dare he not think of us every waking moment (he actually does/did but it never seems like it when you’re sooooo tired). Be thankful Alice doesn’t have colic! I used to get the “when I come home I have to start my second job” speech – used to annoy the sh*t out of me – my job never stopped, at least he got to get away from the madness at home by going to work …
We could also never get away for an evening to ourselves because no one wanted to watch two…
There were so many times after my husband left for work that I’d start crying because he got to get O-U-T. Sometimes I would long to go grocery shopping just because it meant I could leave the kids with my husband and go out on my own. 11 pm at the A&P can be great therapy!
All I can say is that it gets easier. Don’t be too hard on Eric, he’s a great guy. Your girls will love you no matter what. It’s OK to cry. Don’t worry about the house, the laundry, dinner – put Lucy in daycare a day or two a week (if she isn’t already) – when you only have one to deal with, you almost get bored – and get some sleep…
I hear you. With a 41/2 year old, a 2 year old and a 7 month old I too am stretched very thin sometimes and my husband leaves early and is home late so most of everything is on me but he is great when he’s here. The mornings are the hardest for me and getting everyone out the door without being late.
I don’t think it gets any easier until they move out. ;o)
I have heard many parents of two say – it isn’t twice as hard, it is 10 times as hard. You have just proven/written thate. But somehow, millions of families have come out on the other end of this – and I know you will too.
I think that it being Christmas-time is exacerbating your feeling of “not getting things done”. Give a detailed list of stocking stuffers to “Pa” and have him hit the drugstore. Buy pre-made cookies, have some M&M’s brought in so you don’t have to cook as much. Or, maybe your neighbour babysitter could come over once or twice a week after school to help out for an hour or so?
Hang in there – can’t wait to see you Wed! You’ll be REALLY ready for an evening out by then.
Amazing post Carly. You are definitely not alone, I think every Mom can relate to how you are feeling.
Ohhh Carly. There’s so much I have to say in reply to your post but I’ll try to keep it brief. Thanks so much for your honesty. It is really, really hard to admit that it is extremely trying juggling two kids at once and thank you for doing so. I don’t know if this will make you feel better but I too have had my days where I took my timeouts to go and cry and get it out my system and when my lack of patience is horrendous. In fact I had my own sobfest the other night (even after doing this with two kids for nearly 2 years!!!) when it was nearing 11 pm and both kids were still awake and I was all on my own yet once again, and both were crying for me. It doesn’t sound like a big deal but we have been having so many sleep struggles in our house it is just crazy!
It is a cliche but I find motherhood to be such a rollercoaster ride…some days are completely exhilarating and so enjoyable and you feel like superwoman, other days are just plain awful and you feel like you haven’t a clue what you are doing and that you are screwing up your kids for life. At least that’s how it feels for me.
It will get better though. As Alice starts sleeping more at night and you get more rest and once you settle into a routine it will be easier. But in the meantime, as the previous poster said, it’s okay to cry. (((HUGS))))
Exactly !!!!
This was refreshing to read.
You always made it seem so easy. And it’s not.
Thank you for making me feel like I wasn’t the only one.
I know exactly how you’re feeling. No holds barred. You’re great for being so honest. It IS hard and the most challenging thing EVER. I’ve also found myself getting very impatient with Kylah especially since Liam was born. And I feel horrible. I did read an article in Today’s Parent magazine that really helped me cope with the anger and impatience that I feel sometimes.
I can’t find the article online. It basically talks about how sometimes anger and frustration is good but we often think that we’re mad at our kids because of their behaviour but they’re just acting their age and we’re just angry at ourselves because we can’t control the situation. And how we can help ourselves by not putting too high expectations on our kids.
Anyway, I wish I could find it for you to read because it was just the perfect thing I needed at the time. My anger was actually really scaring me! I would almost turn into this crazy monster mommy. And it definately wasn’t helping with Kylah’s behaviour.
This too will pass.
This post makes me feel like one is a breeze! I only have one, but being a young Mom, not having so much accomplished as yet in my life, it makes me feel exactly how you have felt through those crying in the basement times but wanting to not miss a thing and cherish their tiny lives. I know one cannot be compared to two, but I completely understand how you feel, maybe not for the same reasons, as yours is caring for two and mine is starting so young with so much still to do.
Of course I, only with one, could not ever offer you any advice. Even a “you’re doing great or hang in there” isn’t my place to say, but I can say that one day you will watch your beautiful daughters go through the same, and it will be because of your mothering now that will make it easier for them later, they to will learn from you and prosper into women who will as well feel the same emotions but know that you did it with the most love, so they can wipe their tears and get through it to.
Thank you, all of you. I keep re-reading all of your words. In as much as you say this post helped you, your comments have done the same — it is so comforting and reassuring when you know you’re not alone. Especially when you’re huddled in a darkened basement on a Friday afternoon like a hobbit…
Lucy is in daycare two days a week, and still enjoying Nana House Day Thursdays. I am eternally grateful for both. I learned very early with Lucy that I am a better mother with time away from my children. Any of you that have gone back to work (Emma) can probably relate.
We are giving Alice her first bottle today, which will free me up some time, and offer me more sleep (we plan to have Eric do the last feed of the night so I can go to bed early).
I know both of these will make a world of difference.
I read your post this morning and promptly burst into tears – mostly of relief to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this. Life with a 2.5 yr old and a 3 month old baby (can he really be 3 months old already??) is so much more difficult than I had expected. So much of what you said resonated with me – especially being “touched out” – when it seems like all day long, everyone (and I include my husband in this) wants something from me. I spin back and forth from frustration and resentment to this overwhelming sense of guilt that I’m failing all of them by not having the time or the patience or the energy to be all the things they want me to be. And then the whole thing is shot through with these moments of pure joy and overwhelming love for these incredible little people that have been entrusted to me.
I find it really helps to have one on one time with both my toddler and my baby so that I can get into their rhythm, rather than trying to force them into mine. Of course, there’s alot of days where that’s not an option.
I can only hope it gets easier as they get older.
Thanks very much for articulating something that I’d been afraid to say out loud, even to myself.
Ah sorry. I didn’t mean to rub salt in a wound with my comment. I was trying to be encouraging, rather than irritating.
What you wrote there? Unedited? That was the truth. Messy, difficult, screaming, smiling, guilty. I think you are doing well, though. You’re still talking, and upright, and both kids are still alive.
k.
You were encouraging, K, and that was my point — it’s easy to look like everything is peachy on the outside, when sometimes it isn’t.
And how right: I haven’t killed them yet. That counts for something
I read a great definition of parenting the other day – “feeding the mouth that bites you”.
Reading this is like seeing my own thoughts on the screen! I echo all of it. Especially the surprising lack of patience, and taking a few minutes to cry… I remember one day Eric came into my room and asked me what was wrong. I was standing at the open window on a frosty day, sobbing. I had to explain to him that sometimes Mommy needs a time-out too.
There are lots of times when Kevin is working nights, that he leaves before the kids get up and gets home after they go to bed. Those days are so hard. I know exactly what you mean about just wanting a break. And OMG why won’t Eric just listen! Why can he put on his boots or go pee by himself when he wants to but not when I want him to? There are days when I want to get out and go to the mall (or something) just so I don’t have to step on toys and referee who gets to play with the truck and scream at Eric not to throw his toy yet again… But actually getting them dressed and loaded into the car and out of the car and back in and home and then they’re hungry and tired…. Some days it’s not worth it…
There are days where I wonder why I thought having 2 was such a great idea. Then the next day I see the two of them playing together (Eric 3 yrs, 3 mos, Andrew 9 months) and I say to myself, “This is why I had 2!” I am surprised how early they play together – Andrew loves to crawl after Eric, to follow him. Eric said tonight “We’re playing tag.” LOL!
Thanks again for writing this post and being so honest.