Over-investing in our kids
4th June 2008
I recently read this really interesting article about whether this generation of parents is over-investing in our children: Are we hyper-parenting freaks trying to keep up with the Joneses?
The author, Tim, of Canadian Dream: Free at 45 (a fabulous blog about his journey to retire at age 45) is letting me republish it here, and I’d love to know what you think:
First off let me say I do love my kids. I love them so much I’m willing to have them hate me at times to ensure they become healthy, happy adults who can handle themselves in the world. Why is it then I feel like a minority most days?
I can’t tell you the number of new parents I meet that say “Wow kids are expensive!� I look at them like they have two heads. No, the reality is your kids don’t need the brand name clothes, diapers and you don’t have to buy a new car when your expecting your first. You will be surprised that even an Echo can fit two car seats in the back seat!
What has happen to people? Why are we trying to give our kids ever little thing that might give them a fraction of an IQ point edge over the kids next door? Do you really think everybody’s kids can be the next leader of your country or a president of a major corporation? Why does your kid need a PDA to keep track of their activities?
You know what I think. We feel guilty. We really do want the best for our children, but then we get sucked into some dumb advertising which stirs a slight feeling of guilt. Then we start with extra activities, lessons, booking play dates (does any one else recall just going over to your friends house to play on your own?) and before you know it we turned into hyper-parenting freaks.
This is the new world of keeping up with the Joneses. Instead of keeping up with them we want our kids to keep up with their kids. We are all systematically over investing in our children. The really scary thing about this is studies are showing it hasn’t help one bit. In fact it’s now gone too far and we are producing a generation of over dependent children.
Case in point I was at a career fair last year for my company. I met a man who was handing out resumes for his university age son. I toss the resume in the garbage at once. I told my boss about it and he shook his head in disgust. He knew what I knew: we don’t want people like that. They tend to have overly high expectations, be unrealistic and overly self absorbed. In short they suck at working well in a team. So yes your child may have an extra point of IQ, but he can’t function well in society at large so it doesn’t help one bit.
So I propose the other way to parent. I will invest love, understand and experience into my children. I will not be buying them a toy in the store because they are crying about it and I feel embarrassed. I will not be buying them name brand clothes because they want them. I will only put them in one activity at a time because they need time to play. I will not invest in private tutors because if I can’t help them I’m sure their teacher can manage just fine. I will give them what they need and not what they want. I will invest the one thing that is worth more than anything else in the world: I will invest my time with them.
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Interesting article…I definitely agree about not putting kids in more than one activity at a time, and I wouldn’t get them tutoring unless there was a drastic need for one–certainly not as a matter of course.
The toys and things…I can see why he’d say it’s guilt, and that probably plays a factor, but speaking for myself, I also there’s something of the kid still in me that just wants to buy the toys that I think would be cool to play with…hence my current quest to find interesting Duplo sets for me…um…I mean for the kids (What? All the neat ones are only in US? Hmmm…can I get them off eBay?). It’s silly, I know. But I certainly don’t give the kids everything they’d want, or else Hana would eat nothing but chocolate ice cream and we’d have every My Little Pony related piece of merchandise available.
That bit about the father handing out his university-aged son’s resume is really quite bizarre.
This one caught my eye, My son is 11 so things here don’t always apply to me.
I recently taught him to wash the dishes and I remember a mother of a teen about 15 years ago told me what she did. Her son did not work part time but did receive an allowance for chores at the house.
When he wanted things over and above the basics he had to pay the rest. She would cover the cost of what running shoes were at Zellers and if he wanted fancy ones, he had to pay the difference.
I plan to do the same thing with my son. He has a Highschool student help him with math because he needs it and does one sport at a time in the winter and summer.
We don’t spend our weekends shopping non stop.
I have listened to endless begging for a game but nope, he has enough and I am limited in the games for him because I actually pay attention to the ratings on them.
This consumer driven economy is falling flat.
Just the other day, my boss (Carly’s ex-boss) came out from her office, shaking her head. A woman had called about her university graduate son who’s looking for a job. He’s interested in journalism. so his mom was calling us to see if we had any job openings for him. He was probably sleeping in – it was around 11 a.m.
I totally agree with Tim’s post. I am going to try and not be a “consumer Mom”. It is hard not to though, because you do want to be a kid yourself and play with all the toys, as Mary Lynn noted.
With my son only being 15 months, he isn’t into a certain cartoon character/toy, etc., yet. I am sure that day will come.
My son also gets spoiled enough from the grandparents, why does he need us to do it?
I don’t care about brand names for him, or myself for that matter. I buy him Costco diapers, no name wipes and I will try to continue on this trend.
My parents provided for me very well (and still do!), but did try to teach me the value of money and hard work.
I hope I can teach my son in this way as well.
In response to the comment by Carly’s ex-boss about the mother calling for her son re a job, the Globe & Mail in a recent article referred to them as “helicopter” parents. It isn’t just the economic spoiling, but the constant need to monitor all of your child’s activities well into their adult years that can create problems.
See I read all of the comments on your blog too.