Do you think we’re soft? I don’t think we’re soft
6th March 2007
As a teenager, I always resented my mother for making me do my laundry and clean the bathroom and unload the dishwasher and other bor-ing chores. But looking back, I’m thankful that she taught me basic skills to look after myself.
My first year at Ryerson, I roomed with a girl whose mother had done everything for her: cooked, washed, ironed, cleaned. She was completely useless at anything remotely domestic, and often just bought new clothes so she didn’t have to fumble with the washing machine. Clean the bathroom? Hahahahaa! (Except for the time I found the condom floating in the toilet — no, you can scrub that one, thanks.)
All of this came flooding back after reading these comments the other week. The whole “Am I soft?” issue has been rolling around in the back of my head, and I’ve finally come up with an answer.
No. I’m not soft. I know how to clean and cook and launder. I also know how to write well and problem solve and find information quickly — products of a university education and a decade of work experience. I have a daughter, husband, dog and extended family that mean everything to me.
Am I soft if my bath tub sports some scum and dust bunnies are fornicating with dog hair under the sofa?
Am I soft if I choose to chase Lucy around the bed just to hear her belly laugh over running the vacuum?
Am I soft if I snuggle with Eric and Spencer on the couch instead of doing the dinner dishes?
Why, as a woman, is my toughness dependent on how clean my house is?
The trouble with comparing generations is how different society is from one to the next. Women are more educated now. More of us are working, with longer hours. But I also believe we’re spending more quality play time with our kids than ever before. We may have less overall time to be together, but what we do have is spent together — not always fretting about seeing our reflections in the shiny clean floor.
Maybe our generation is perceived as soft because we have more public outlets to vent about work-life balance: the Internet, women’s magazines, mommy groups and support networks. You know, the whole loud and proud-feminist-hear-us-roar thing.
I don’t feel remotely guilty or soft for wanting a house cleaner every few weeks. If it means more time with the people I care most about (and more time to take care of myself), what is wrong with that?
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I totally agree that we are not soft, just live in a different society that our parents and our parents’ parents grew up and raised their family in.
I don’t do the cooking. Not because I don’t know how to – I can read and have fairly decent hand-eye coordination; therefore, all things being equal, I should be able to read a cookbook and follow its instructions. It’s just the way my husband and I have divided our household duties. I do laundry and most of the ‘dirty work’ with Eirinn (diapers, feeding, bathing, etc) and he cooks and looks after the ‘dirty work’ with the house (bills, repairs, etc) and we split the cleaning. It’s a system that works for us, with both of us working equal hours outside of the home.
My mother was a work-from-home mom, so I was used to having a wonderfully homecooked dinner everyday and all the attention a little kid could need or want. She taught me a philosophy that I carry into my own mothering style – Good mothers have dirty ovens, sticky floors and happy children. She always, ALWAYS chose spending quality time with us as a family over housework and we are undoubtably better for it. We all dug in when we were having company, and the house wasn’t a total disaster on a day to day basis, but it was never a first priority.
Now I get home with Eirinn at about 5 and she goes to bed around 7:30. I am unwilling to sacrifice the precious little time I have to spend with her at such an important age to do something as unimportant in the big scheme of things. I will do housework after she goes to bed or while she’s napping, but if something doesn’t get done, or it takes me all week to complete, I loose no sleep.
When a mother dies, I’m sure no one has ever wished she kept a cleaner house. More likely, they wish that they could have spent more time with them.
Sounds to me like you are doing everything right……..not like in my day (midfifties)when we were raising our kids…..it seems like we were more concerned with how white our diapers were and how clean the house was…..we made sure our kids were well fed and dressed and clean and got to school on time…….we didnt play with them and give them our undivided attention like they do today…..I wish I could go back and do it over again the right way..we always took them out on Sundays and weekends for family fun and trips and to a cottage on our vacations, so they certainly werent deprived in that department…so keep up the good work, you sound like a great mother!!
I agree with Jenn….. I do not have a spotlessly clean house, the main floor and basement are tidy on a day to day basis, but not spectacularly clean, as I work afternoons, so I only get a certain amount of cleaning done while Mya is napping…. I only get my mornings with her, so I am not going to ruin them by telling her no she can’t do things because mommy is cleaning……
Jen O. – “Good mothers have dirty ovens, sticky floors and happy children”… I just looked at my somewhat disgusting oven the other day and thought “I should really clean that”. And then Bean called to me from the other room and I promptly forgot all about the oven
I didn’t have a set list of chores growing up, but we were expected to participate and take some initiative in the things that needed to be done. I’m definitely not “soft”, I just choose to spend my time doing things other than vaccuming (sp?) and polishing (the vaccum is the devil, and not just because I never know how to spell it!) I do 15 minutes of tidying or cleaning once or twice a day – after breakfast and/or after dinner. That usually keeps the house tidy enough until the cleaning lady comes every other week!
I do think that it’s good for kids to have to contribute to the various jobs involved in running the household – even if we do have a cleaning lady, there are jobs that need to be done by the family. So, when Bean is old enough (she’s only 13 mos now so it’ll be a while for some things), she’ll learn how to put away her toys and help make dinner and sweep the floor and do her own laundry.
What’s wrong with ‘soft’ anyway??? I don’t want to be a hard person, and I don’t want to live a hard life, just a happy one.
I would rather be on the dirty floor playing and enjoying Jackson while he is young, than cleaning the floor and not enjoying my son!!!!!! You go girl!!
I too would rather be playing with my kids than scrubbing floors and yelling at them to keep off them ..
I am seriously considering having a house cleaner come in once every 2 weeks just to make everything spiff (and this is before I go back to work !)
I like being soft and fluffy !!!