And they (hopefully) lived happily ever after: our daycare drama
4th January 2007
When we (and it is we, the whole family, really) start daycare in a few weeks, Lucy will be looked after by a wonderful woman named Debbie.
She’s actually the very first person I went to see after seeing an ad on durhamdaycare.com. I liked her immediately, loved her set-up and routine, and *gasp* she seemed genuinely interested in her children and not just out to make money.
You’re probably asking youself, “Geez, Carly, why didn’t you scoop up such a great woman right away instead of subjecting yourself to stress and agony for three weeks?”
Debbie, for one, encouraged me to go look at other places. She knew she was first on the meet list, and felt I needed to see more than just her to really understand what it was we were looking for in a provider for Lucy. These were my thoughts, too. I felt I owed it to my daughter to research and interview as much as possible before deciding who would become her Faux Mummy.
I used Debbie as a standard. No one was good enough. One place would have three kids under two, and there were no baby gates. She said the older kids (a 3 and 5 year old) were trained to keep the doors closed. Another house stank. One had a giant yard, but no fence and faced a very busy street. At two points during the day at one place, Lucy would be one of seven (7!) children.
Most didn’t work out with a simple phone call. Many were filled already from September. A few women would take only Lucy and no other children, and it was important for us to have Lucy around other kids. At one place Lucy would be driven back and forth to a neighbourhood school three times a day to pick up and drop off school-age children. I don’t want Lucy driven anywhere, let alone strapped in and out of a car seat six times a day carting other people’s kids around.
In between this I kept visiting Debbie. When my mom met her and Debbie passed her test, we handed over a cheque reserving Lucy’s spot for the spring.
Debbie and I had a long talk the night we officially decided (and Debbie accepted) to put Lucy in her care. She told me she wasn’t worried about Lucy adjusting to daycare, but me. I think she was worried I’d be calling 12 times a day and be freaking out over everything.
I can’t blame her. I was so worked up over finding Faux Mummy. And honestly, I’m still not 100% secure in Debbie, and I’ve told her that. Until we start leaving Lucy with her and I know my girl is thriving, safe and having fun, how can I be? And are moms ever…whole when their children — especially infants — are away from them?
(My mom has always said when you have kids, it’s like a piece of your heart is outside your body. Only now, as a mom, do I completely understand that.)
Luckily Debbie’s been doing daycare for 12 years and has two of her own kids, so she understands I’m not insane.
Next week I’m going to start leaving Lucy for a few hours. I’ll probably just go shopping around the corner and have my cell turned up to Blast Your Ears Off Because My Baby Might Need Me Volume, but it will be a massive step to leave Lucy with (essentially) a stranger for the first time.
Some great Debbie Details that we love: the kids are in a cozy walk-out basement, and everything is there (it’s like a mini apartment) — kitchen, bathroom, playroom, sleeping room, outside. Each week there is a different theme and colour (gingerbread and yellow, for example). There’s circle time and quiet/nap time. Lucy will be with kids of different cultures, which is fabulous. Debbie has a manual of her childcare philosophies, rules, ettiquette etc.
I’m still incredibly thankful that when I go back to work I’m not doing the drop-offs because I know it will kill me if Lucy is upset. Eric is moving his hours back to start at 10, so he’ll take her around 9 and I’ll pick up. We wanted to avoid Lucy being in daycare for more than eight or nine hours, if at all possible.
This will make life interesting, as the morning routine will fall to Eric, and nights will be mine with Lucy (with some overlap). I think this will be a good arrangement for us.
But that’s my right as a mom, as Lucy’s gatekeeper. And all THAT aside, I feel good.
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Is it wierd that this post made me cry? I am starting the process of looking for daycare for Jacob to start in May. It makes me sad to even start making the phone calls. It does help to hear that you’ve found someone great. I think I worry that I won’t be able to find that and then what will I do?
ok Carly … breathe …
It is scary leaving your most important person (sorry Eric, but you’re number two now).
You are fortunate to have found Debbie and like I’ve told you offline, go with your gut – see what happens? Moms have some of the best instincts and they’ll keep you on the right track.
Don’t worry about Lucy. She’ll be fine and she’ll thrive. It might be an adjustment at first, but soon enough she’ll wake you up on a Saturday and ask if you are going to Debbie’s that day. She will always want to come home to you. Wait until she walks and you come to the door to pick her up and she runs to you shouting with glee “Mmmmmooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmyyy!!!!!”. It tears your heart a little but it is reassuring that this little being is truly yours.
You’ll get upset over some time-outs, perhaps there will be some “sharing” issues, but most fights during the day with the other kids will be forgotten very quickly and they’ll remain best friends forever!
Wait until you go on holidays and take Lucy out for a week or so and she can’t wait to see “her kids” again.
She needs you, but she also needs to not be with you too. This is one of the most important gifts you will ever give her – the opportunity to grow and become an individual you can be even more proud of.
You are not alone. You sound like every other new Mommy I have ever talked to (myself included). It shows that you care, it’s not insecurity. You did your homework and it will pay off.
remember … breathe …
Carly, I know this is exactly what you HATE to hear, and that my situation is so, so different from yours, but after only 3 days back to work it has started to get better in some ways. It’s rediculous to say that my mom watching Eirinn is anything like you leaving Lucy with an essential stranger, but it is the same in some ways. I still have to leave the most important thing in my life for hours on end. I still have to worry about her and practically strap my hands to my office chair to restrain myself from calling every hour on the hour. And I still have all the guilt about leaving my baby with someone other than me. But you know what? After only 3 days, she has a smile on her face when I leave her and she has a smile on her face when I come to get her, and her being happy is the most important thing to me. Now my only worry is that maybe one day her eyes will sparkle more when I drop her than when I pick her up.
Yep…had me crying too. I have been doing the exact same thing with Asha…It is horrible. Sounds as if you have found a great place…Those types of situations are very difficult to find here! Good Luck…I am sure that it all will be fine…C